Issue 19

L.I. Sargis

Markov dreams

Numerous studies have been conducted on the erotic/authoritarian appeal of Donald Trump. An extensive corpus of tweets, forum posts, market research groups, and transcripts of mentalist seances were harnessed to create chatbots that mimic online dating chatter. In double-blind experiments, subjects paired with these chatbots were 6 percent more likely to commit petty acts of violence and twice as likely to consume sadistic pornography in the subsequent week. When permuted with random noise, variational autoencoders trained on pictures of Trump produced images of a hammer pounding a melon.

of an optimal gun for a rampage

Multi-armed bandit models were run on a sample of “soccer moms,” “NASCAR dads,” and millennials stratified by ethnicity, sexual orientation, and mental disorder. Respondents were encouraged to imagine Trump in the role of an active shooter. Forty-four percent of study subjects said he would use an assault rifle with shot-peened bolt. Casualty rates were projected to be comparatively low, due to a preference for coarse spraying over short, focused bursts. Thirty-seven percent of interviewees thought the gun would not be adequately oiled, leading to an increased chance of jams.

Subjects were then asked to fantasize Trump as a shooting victim by placing his head on photos of gun violence casualties. There was a distinct preference for anal-masochistic scenarios, with multiple slow-killing wounds through the abdominal and pelvic region, and death by fecal-induced sepsis on the operating table.

When asked to role-play the motivation behind a Trump rampage, explanations by experimental subjects included: fantasies of lives lived in a one quarter by one half room; extensive alcohol abuse; violent images of bullying and purple contusions.

Transcribed dreams describe a single-file line of looters removing objects from the respondents’ homes, one after the other.

to use during his media driven coronation.

Cropped photos of Trump’s face were compared alongside canonical representations of human organs. Contrary to hypothesis, 98 percent of respondents compared Trump’s mouth with an anus and 76 percent linked his nose with the clitoral hood, suggesting associations of Trump with the anal-aggressive mother archetype. In contrast, previous presidential faces were tied to the phallic region: Bill Clinton’s cheeks were most closely paired with the scrotum, John F. Kennedy’s chin to the glans, and George W. Bush’s nose with the clubbed penis of a baboon.

The orange tint of Trump’s skin drew associations with a carrot and lithium grease. Thirty-three percent of people polled believed that Trump’s skin would taste sweet like a baked yam, while seventeen percent thought it would be salty.

Bullying by curvy and full-figured women,

Masks made from photos of Donald Trump’s face from presidential debates were placed on heterosexual partners during intercourse. Only 2 percent of male subjects climaxed during vaginal sex, whereas a full 62 percent climaxed during anal sex.

Subjects were asked to describe the personalities of their lovers as they observed them wearing these masks. Word clouds generated from their answers were compared with a control group. Masked lovers were described as more “passionate,” “volatile,” and “commanding” than their control counterparts.

causes him to delight in the horror of his own tribe

A facsimile of the debate stage was constructed in virtual reality. Test subjects were asked to assume the persona of the candidates as they stood at each of the podia. Individuals who assumed Trump’s posture were .5 percent more likely to sexually assault college administrators.

Examinees were then invited to imagine: (a) the feeling of “wearing” Trump’s digital skin, (b) the vantage point of a sniper, (c) scenes from a Trump reality television show in the White House. Specially designed sensors placed on the genitalia picked up high levels of arousal. Dream diaries from the treatment group contained 44 percent more instances of sexual exhibitionism than those in the control group.

and the pervasiveness of violent imagery

Respondents were directed to imagine Trump’s hair on their genitalia. A majority of women thought the strong, ochre, earthy tones overwhelmed the pudenda. Men used words like “radiant” and “shining” to describe their phalluses and were 10 percent more likely to make unsolicited sexual overtures to the examiner.

When asked to mold a facsimile of Trump’s genitalia out of clay, the average length from base to glans was five inches, which is within the range of estimates of human male mean penis length worldwide. Molded testicles, however, were a full 50 percent larger than the average measures.

drives him to kill at close quarters

A scientific poll of mental health professionals points to a high likelihood of sexual psychopathy in Trump. Interviews with grammar school classmates indicate early signs of borderline personality disorder with mixed narcissism.

Textual analysis of television show transcripts suggests a higher than average frequency of words related to childhood isolation and injury. The major events of Trump’s life can be read as a series of conflicts with a domineering and dismissive mother figure.

for a singular statement of disaster.

Trump as a first-person shooter player on a rampage through a shopping mall. Terrorists in balaclavas dispatched by shotgun, cranial fragments stuck to the wall by velvety mucosa. On the top floor, behind darkened glass, a subwoofer rattles the floor. Upon creeping through the door, a blood-soaked Trump throws cash at the feet of a pole dancer. The clientele turns to appraise the entrant. From behind the bar, a gunman leaps, having just mutilated the club owner. Trump belts two quick slugs into his stomach, causing him to fall back down upon the cut-up body. As the number ends, Trump faces the audience to take in his applause.

An homage to J.G. Ballard